Look ma, no bellybutton

One of the excuses reasons why I haven’t been around in a while is my health. I know we all have shitty days where we don’t feel good. But over the past 7-8 months, I can count on two hands how many days I’ve actually felt “normal”. Between the migraines coming back, the non-stop menstrual cycle (seriously…during this time I wasn’t on my period for maybe 2 months!), and the whole gastro issues, I haven’t exactly been fun to be around. Just ask my husband.

However, last month, they finally found something wrong with me! Cysts. Big ass cysts. On my left ovary. My doc called them cluster cysts. The largest one was larger than the ovary itself and with the help of all of the other cysts which decided to play, my poor little ovary never stood a chance. Plus, they were partially solid. Within 2 weeks of diagnosis I was in surgery. Though the cancer markers came back negative, they needed to biopsy those bastards to make sure.

On June 24, one month ago today, they decided to do this to me:

Look ma, no bellybutton

3rd times a charm

They performed laparoscopic surgery. 3 holes, one in the bellybutton and one on either side and below the bellybutton. Surgery went fine. Ended up removing the ovary/tube because, yeah, those cysts didn’t play very nice. There was also another cyst on the right ovary which she took care of. She also found some scar tissue from a previous surgery (appendix 20+ years ago) which had fused my stomach to my gastro track. (Have you ever seen photos of this stuff?? Nasty. She showed me the photos she took during surgery and ick.) Anyway, ovary, tube, scar tissue removed.

Diagnosis? Cancer free. Endometriosis. And the cysts…chocolate. Yummy. *barf* She will be checking me frequently for the return of those bastards on my right ovary. However, right now, everything seems to be in working order and I’m pain free. Go me!

I am convinced

After my unexpected trip to the ER last week (incidentally the same day my girlie bits were to be used as a receptacle for a swizzle stick), I’m convinced that the medical profession has no clue what it’s doing.

While the ER finally “diagnosed” my issue as some sort of freaky ass migraine, they decided that the best thing to give me was morphine. Um, I don’t think so. When in the hell did doctors decide that morphine was the cur all? I mean c’mon… The ER doc actually told me that their main goal is to make sure the patient is comfortable and in no pain. Um, yeah whatever. The only people, IMO, who need morphine are those that are pleading out of unnatural orifices or have lost appendages, etc. Not for a freaking migraine. The make non narcotic crap for that. They (the nurses/doctor) were actually shocked that I refused both morphine and percoset. That is just sad.

I’m also convinced that when my girlie bits do become a receptacle for that stupid swizzle stick (w007, next Tuesday. That so rocks! Not.), that it is a very real possibility that they may find something. All of the symptoms that I’ve been having that I didn’t think had anything to do with my girlie bits, do in fact have something to do with them. Pelvic pain, having to pee a lot, lower back pain…all are symptoms of uterine fibroids. I was diagnosed with these in the late 90’s. However, at the time they were extremely small (less the 2 mm). But I’m convinced that they’ve grown to the size of basketballs and that they are what’s causing all of my issues. I will tell you now though, if they don’t find something…I will go postal. I will use that swizzle stick to beat them over the head with. I will make them bleed.

But enough of that…I’m off to take a nap seeing as how we are going to the midnight showing of Indiana Jones tonight. Danielle…if you and the boy are feeling better, you should join us. 11:30 at the Orleans theater.

Let’s get this party started!

Yes…we’re gonna have a party! Make that 2 parties!

The first one is being held next Thursday and we’ll be celebrating by having both a pelvic and vaginal ultrasound. Sounds like such fun doesn’t it. I just love having some 12 freakin’ inch rod shoved up into my nether regions and swished around like a damn swizzle stick. Fun times. Fun times.

The second party is being held the following Wednesday. Now see, this particular party is going to be soo much cooler than first one! Ready for it? This time we’ll be celebrating having an EMB. That’s right folks…a good ole endometrial biopsy. I get to have pieces of my uterus ripped out through some little suction thing for a biopsy to make sure I’m not growing those pesky little cancer cells.

So be sure you RSVP. You know you don’t want to miss the parties of the year.

Dear Auntie Flo…

You’ve overstayed your welcome. I don’t mind you staying for 3 or 4 days, but you’ve been here now going on 16. It’s past time you went on about your way and left me in peace. The only reason I tolerate your presence in my life is because when I see you I know that there won’t be any little heathens running around. Well, that and those stupid people with a PhD after their unpronounceable last names seem to think that at the age of 36 I’m going to “change my mind ” about those little heathens. Yeah. Ok. Whatever. Not happening.

Go away. And hopefully after next week, it will be permanent.

In hate and disgust….

Kellie